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February 15 For all managers, when workers come asking for raiseThanks to Linda for this one
After 2 years of selfless service, a man realized that he has not been promoted, no transfer, no salary increase no commendation and that the Company is not doing any thing about it.
Man:- 365 days and some times 366 Manager:- how many hours make up a day? Man:- 24 hours Manager:- How long do you work in a day? Man:- 8am to 4pm. i.e. 8 hours a day. Manager:- So, what fraction of the day do you work in hours? Man:- (He did some arithmetic and said 8/24 hours i.e. 1/3(one third) Manager:- That is nice of you! What is one-third of 366 days? Man:- 122 (1/3x366 = 122 in days) Manager:- Do you come to work on weekends? Man:- No sir Manager:- How many days are there in a year that are weekends? Man:- 52 Saturdays and 52 Sundays equals to 104 days Manager:- Thanks for that. If you remove 104 days from 122 days, how many days do you now have? Man:- 18 days. Manager:- OK! I do give you 2 weeks sick leave every year. Now remove that14 days from the 18 days left. How many days do you have remaining? Man:- 4 days Manager:- Do you work on New Year day? Man:- No sir! Manager:- Do you come to work on workers day? Man:- No sir! Manager:- So how many days are left? Man:- 2 days sir! Manager:-Do you come to work on the (National holiday )? Man:- No sir! Manager:- So how many days are left? Man:- 1 day sir! Manager:- Do you work on Christmas day? Man:- No sir! Manager:- So how many days are left? Man:- None sir! Manager:- So, what are you claiming? Man:- I have understood, Sir. I did not realise that I was stealing company's money all these days.
February 14 Murphy's Love LawsHappy Valentine's Day to everybody, so to celebrate it, here are today's law:
* All the good ones are taken.
* If the person isn't taken, there's a reason. * The nicer someone is, the farther away (s)he is from you. * Brains x Beauty x Availability = Constant. This constant is always zero. * The amount of love someone feels for you is inversely proportional to how much you love them. * Money can't buy love, but it sure gets you a great bargaining position. * The best things in the world are free --- and worth every penny of it. * Every kind action has a not-so-kind reaction. * Nice guys (girls) finish last. * The good ones die first. * If it seems too good to be true, it probably is. * Availability is a function of time. The minute you get interested is the minute they find someone else. * The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings. * Nothing improves with age. * No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because it'll never be quite the same again. * Sex has no calories. * Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble. * There is no remedy for sex but more sex. * Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got. * No sex with anyone in the same office. * Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last. * A man in the house is worth two in the street. * If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow. * Virginity can be cured. * When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him. * Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself. * The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later. * Sex is dirty only if it's done right. * It is always the wrong time of month. * The best way to hold a man is in your arms. * When the lights are out, all women are beautiful. * Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either. * Sow your wild oats on Saturday night -- Then on Sunday pray for crop failure. * The game of love is never called off on account of darkness. * It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the trouble in the garden. * Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly. * Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot of frogs. * There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse than sex. But there is nothing exactly like it. * Love your neighbor, but don't get caught. * Love is a hole in the heart. * If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone into our space program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on the moon. * Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics. January 27 Bad news letterA father passing by his teenage daughter's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was neat and tidy. Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the centre of the pillow. It was addressed "Dad". With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands....... Dear Dad, It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you, but I'm leaving home. I had to elope with my new boyfriend Randy because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I've been finding real happiness with Randy and he is so nice to me. I know when you meet him you'll like him too - even with all his piercing, tattoos, and motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the this happiness Dad, I'm pregnant and Randy said that he wants me to have the kid and that we can be very happy together. Even though Randy is much older than me (anyway, 42 isn't so old these days, is it?), and has no money, really these things shouldn't stand in the way of our relationship, don't you agree? Randy has a great CD collection; he already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. It's true he has other girlfriends as well but I know he'll be faithful to me in his own way. He wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too. Randy taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and he'll be growing it for us and we'll trade it with our friends for all the cocaine we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Randy can get better; he sure deserves it!! Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren. Your loving daughter, Rosie. At the bottom of the page were the letters "PTO". Hands still trembling, and slight pain in the chest her father turned the sheet, and read: PS: Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbour's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk center drawer. Please sign it and call when it is safe for me to come home. I love you! December 20 Perfect HusbandSeveral men are in the locker room of a golf club. August 30 Men Are From Mars, Women Are From VenusHere's a prime example of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus" offered by an English professor from the University of Phoenix: The professor told his class one day: "Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. As homework tonight, one of you will write the first paragraph of a short story. You will e-mail your partner that paragraph and send another copy to me. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story and send it back, also sending another copy to me. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back-and-forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking outside of the e-mails and anything you wish to say must be written in the e-mail. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached." The following was actually turned in by two of his English students: Rebecca and Gary. THE STORY: April 15 Religious HumorTaoism: Shit happens |
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